Sunday, January 6, 2013

So Now What?

Hey everyone!  I hope you all had a happy safe New Year.  I had a great time enjoying some great food.  I didn't feel guilty either.  I realize that I've come a long way from almost a year ago where I was sometimes afraid to eat anything that may have a larger calorie content.  I was concerned that anything that feel in that category would send me spiraling back to gaining weight, being unhealthy, and living a miserable life.  Now, I fully understand that food can be enjoyable, but when it's all said and done, food is fuel.  And that fuel must be used.  Check out my dress!  It was pretty cool dressing up and going out.  I hope I have more opportunities for dressing up in the future.

Now that 2013 is here, I've been quite pensive.  I have lots on my mind.  I also know that my official one year anniversary is only two weeks away, and that is weighting on me too - but not in a negative way.  Just being thoughtful about how far I've come, and what I still have yet to do.
The truth of the matter is that these last 60 will take me the entire year if not longer to remove.  As I become smaller, the weight gets harder to lose.  I wasn't expecting the rapid weight loss I experienced this year, but as you know, the weight has started to come off slower in the last three to four months, and honestly, that may be a blessing.  It's giving my body... and my psyche... time to adjust to this change.  It's hard reconciling that the lady in the mirror is me sometimes.  I hope no one things I'm vain because sometimesI really do just stare at myself sometimes.  It's still miraculous to me.

So, now what?  What will I do knowing these last 60 pounds will probably be really stubborn?  I going to change up my routine.  I have a 10K coming up in May so I'm going to take some personal training lessons starting in February.  I hope to continue with the Kettlebells at work and at home.  I hope to focus on strength training to gain endurance.  I have to keep it fresh and keep my body guessing.  That's how I keep my metabolism running at full speed.

Something else happened this week as well.  I had a very interesting conversation with my parents on New Year's Day.  I was dressed and ready to work out so I was just shooting the breeze with my folks.  My dad was talking about my success so far, and my mom said to me, "I understand the huge changes you've gone through to get where you are.  But, have you considered how your weight struggled affected me and your dad?"  I looked at her kind of confused.  I didn't know what she meant by that.  This was my journey (which was quite a selfish thought now that I think about it).   How did my being large impact her?

They both stated several things to me that was enlightening and horrifying at the same time... my weight struggle for the parent's point of view.
  • Watching your daughter struggle with her weight all her life and wondering what did I do to cause her to be this way.
  • Knowing that they couldn't have done anything to cause any trauma yet the had not idea how to help me.
  • Watching me lose weight and then gain it back quickly - know that I had to be getting food somewhere since the meals served at home weren't unhealthy.
  • Knowing that I'm binging right in front of their nose and not knowing what to do.
  • Considering staging an intervention to get help and knowing that I would be resentful for it.
  • Lastly, knowing that at some point in my life, they will be my caretakers because I will be too unhealthy to move. 
  • Coming to grips with the fact that their youngest child may die before they do.
Wow!  I always thought about what my weight did to me.  I never considered what it did to my loved ones.  I also realize that with any addiction, it was completely selfish.  I was completely selfish.  I could have cared less what my eating was doing to others.  I thought I was so smooth sneaking food into the house and eating where no one could see... But HELLO!  You don't gain 100+ pounds back by eating air.

I apologized to them.  I really felt wretched.  It was also another healing moment for me and my family.  My parents are very happy and proud.  They are smiling because I'm smiling.  It's just makes me realize I'll never go back.  I can't.   It's not just about me anymore. 

So, that was quite a lesson I learned.  I'm glad it happened.  It's amazing the perspective you gain when you actually LISTEN instead of talking. 

Special Note: Not quite sure how to work in my song for this week.  So, just check out Carry Out.  It's FIERCE!

Also, I posted my own personal thoughts on the Biggest Loser reality show.  Take a gander if you wish. 

Lastly, my post next week will be delayed due to a weekend getaway. I'll fill you in when I return next Monday or Tuesday.