Wednesday, December 18, 2013

The Mirror

I know we've all experienced hardships that have truly tested us.  I've wondered what is that catalyst that causes one to make changes, hopefully for the better.  I'd like to think I've experienced a few of those moments of clarity.  Where everything seems so sharp, you can see it right in front of you.  You can touch it.  You want to make those changes, and create a better quality of life. 

So you make that change.  You educate yourself, and make a plan.  You follow that plan to the tee, vary rarely deviate.  You start to see how the positive changes are impacting you.  It's working.  People notice the change.  You're pleased.  You're successful.  And you move forward, working toward you goals.

And then one day it stops.  It all stops.

You don't see the changes anymore.  You work so hard to keep the momentum going, and you continue to go nowhere. You fight so hard, and you hardly see any results.  You tell yourself to keep going, keep pushing.  And you don't see anything. 

The clarity leaves. The sharpness fades.  It disappears.

Suddenly, you start to see changes again, but these changes aren't so positive.  It's little things at first.  Getting winded going up two flights of stairs when it wasn't an issue before.  Your arms feel funny when resting at your sides because your stomach is bigger.  Clothes don't fit right any more.

And then you look in the mirror and see a face that's starting to resemble someone you swore you'd never see again.

That's what my life has been like since May of this year.  It came to a head today.  It was a shitty day.  I can tell you that much.

I'm scared.  I'm so scared.  I don't want to go back to that lonely, sad woman who felt like she didn't have a life.  I can see myself getting back to that, and I'm so scared.  I'm acknowledging habits that will take me back there.  Closet binge eating.  Yes, that right.  $40 worth of Jelly Bellies in ONE WEEK.  All gone.  Three pound bags of Hot Tamales eaten over two to three days.  Yes, that right.  So, today I said to myself, "Let's go shopping for some new jeans so you can be more comfortable."  Why?  Because my pants are too tight.

And then I realized what I was doing, and I remember a time when I was gaining weight many years ago after getting off the low carb diet.  I went and bought two new pairs of jeans in larger sizes because my pants weren't fitting anymore.  That was the day that I accepted that I was gaining my weight back, and it was ok.

And it's not ok. It's NOT. It's completely unacceptable.

I knew what was happening.  I saw it in the mirror everyday.  I saw it in my clothes that didn't fit like they used to.  I was stressing today because it was the last day of my kettlebell class in our fall session, and we had our assessment.  I was scared.  I  knew I was going to do badly. I was afraid of what it would be like.  I know I haven't been able to keep up in my Zumba classes recently because I've gotten heavier.  Now that assessment is looking me in the face, and I have to try to beat my rep from the beginning of the quarter. 

So I look at my assessment sheet and see all those numbers.  Those reps I needed to beat.  My vision got blurry.  I'm hiding the tears that start streaming down my face as I look at the sheet on the floor.  I start warming up, and I'm trying to breathe and I can't.  Tears start flowing more freely.  After warming up, we start the assessment.  I need to beat 36 kettlebell swings in one minute using a 45# bell.  I do five.  My heart is pounding.  I'm crying.  I can't breathe and I feel like I'm going to vomit.

I leave class.  I've never left kettlebell class.  EVER!  I go into the locker room and cry my eyes out in a shower stall.  I sat there and cried.  I wanted to go back and finish, and I couldn't.  I was so scared. 
I couldn't do it.  So I left.

I think about those jeans.  If I had bought those jeans, it meant that I was done.  And I'm not done.  I have so much more to do. Why am I closet binge eating?  Hell if I know!  I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. That's what makes this so difficult.  These is nothing that drove me to this point.  It's just me.

I have an eating disorder.  I will ALWAYS have a eating disorder.  It will never go away, but it can be managed.  I've become complacent, and when that happens, poor habits creep back in.  I have no excuse for what I've been doing, and that's what hurts so much.  I'm so disappointed in myself.  I feel like I've accomplished absolutely nothing this year, and it's terribly unsettling.  Believe me, I'm not looking for pity or condolences or back pats. I've always been 100% honest with you, and I will continue to be that way.  First step is admitting what I've done.  Second step is doing something about it.

So what am I going to do?  I'm going to put it behind me and move forward. I'm going to start blogging again and recording my food intake.  I'm going to make myself accountable again.  It's a huge risk, but this entire journey is a risk.  I must remain accountable. 

I want to send a special thanks out to M.C, my boo, my mom and my sis.  I needed your words of encouragement, reality and yes, even anger and frustration. Duly noted.