Hey Readers! Last week was a wake up call for me. I learned a lot about maintaining focus and remembering why I am doing all of this. This isn't something temporary. It's permanent. It's how I will live my life. Now that I've had a week to reflect back on what I did and where I went wrong, I am better able to watch for those patterns and try to get myself back on track. This week definitely went better. I was back to my routine and although there was a spontaneous change toward the end of the week, I was able to adjust to it, and keep my head together. I'm also learning that spontaneity can be a good thing, and I need to learn to adapt to quick changes and make adjustments that will continue to support my life goals.
I guess this is all leading up to my mood for the week. I'd say it's BLISS. Something very good - life altering for me - happened this week. I guess you can say I've never been happier. I'm in a blissful state. Let me explain.
The life of an obese person can be lonely. Sure, I've always been surrounded by family and friends. I'm fun to be around, and I love to laugh and make others laugh. But, there was always something missing, and when I didn't feel attractive, I tended to keep people away. I kept people at arms length because I was afraid of rejection and pain. I didn't want to get hurt because I knew the results would be devastating.
Whenever I would get the courage to take the initiative and tell someone how I felt, I always got the same responses, "I not good enough for you." "If you decided to leave me, I wouldn't know what to do." I always thought... where am I going? I'm a very loyal individual so if I'm going to be in a relationship with a man, I'm going to be with him. I'm not going to jump up and leave. So, to me, those responses puzzled and hurt me. After all, isn't it my decision? Aren't I the one who should know if you're good for me?
So, those two responses translated to something else entirely for me. I'm too fat to be loved. I'm too fat to be appreciated. No one would be proud to be seen with me. So, after the last debacle, I picked up my shattered ego, and shut myself down for a long time. I was existing...not living.
When I decided to make a change, I made it for me. Not to find a man or to make myself more attractive. Sure, it was something I thought about, but it was not the deciding factor. As I started to transform, men began to notice, but I'm still the same person I was 90 pounds ago. If you attracted to me know, it was all about appearance and not about substance. I know I'm more confident because I feel better about myself. But, I'm not a fool so don't approach me like one..
I feel I'm at the point now where I can truly welcome a significant other into my life and be able to share myself without feeling insecure and fearing rejection. I'm been blessed to find someone that appreciates all of me. He appreciates my thoughts and beliefs.. He supports my goals and dreams. He's supportive, nurturing and loving. And what's most important is that I FEEL the same. I can support his goals and dreams. I can appreciate his thoughts and beliefs, and I'm secure in myself and our relationship. I now have confidence in my ability to be open...to welcome others into my life. That is something that I had to overcome.
So, what does all this mean? With new changes, come new opportunities. I'm still right where I need to be. I'm back on track... I just welcoming a new team member. So welcome aboard Anthony. You came just at the right time.
P.S. - This is probably my first and last sappy post. I promise. I'm still basking in the glow, so sue me.