Monday, July 17, 2017

Open Mouth... Insert Foot (Instead of Food)

It's been a very long time, well over two years, and and a lot has happened in that time.  First, the most amazing thing...I got married to the most wonderful man on 2/3/2016. We are still going strong. He is my best friend, my biggest support and my rock. My life is so much better with him. We got married in Las Vegas, which was perfect for us since that was the first trip we took together as a couple.

Happiest day of my life!
As you can also see in this picture, I gained a significant amount of weight that I lost over 5+ years ago when I started this blog. It's definitely disappointing. If you have ever gone through significant weight loss only to regain, it's very difficult and demoralizing, and I've gone through this TWICE! I was so ready to get rid of all those "BIG CLOTHES" in my closet when I shed weight. Then, when I started gaining, I couldn't fit anything. So, I ran back to those stores I swore I'd never shop at again just to buy just one pair of pants because I just knew this was a temporary phase...  Only to buy another piece, and then another piece, and then another pair of pants but bigger because the I outgrew the previous pair. I have clothing in my closet that ranges from size 24 to size 14.  Size 3X to size L. It's a closet full of broken dreams.

And what do I tell all those people who were following me and cheering me on? I'm definitely not the poster girl for weight loss. What do I say to them? What do I tell them? What do I say to myself?

All I can say is I'm sorry. I let go. I let it all go. I loss focus. It was so easy. I found reasons not to exercise, which is just pure laziness and avoidance. I didn't want to stop eating the candy and the carbs and the sweets that I love so much. I have no excuse. There is no excuse. I stopped exercising ,and I started eating too much. That's how the weight came back, and it came back fast.

I'm back on my meds again. My diabetes returned along with its buddies hypertension and hyperlipidemia (high cholesterol). I'm on two medications for hypertension now... four medications all together. I know I need to lose weight and keep it off. That is the only way I'm going to get rid of these medicines, and I miss my activity. I loved working out. I loved doing things that I couldn't do before. I want to get back there.

I ask myself every day... Why? Why did I let it go? All I can do is shake my head. I honestly feel like I came across as a pompous know-it-all. I didn't know what's best when it comes to weight loss. I didn't have a clue. If that was the case, why am I back to square zero for the third time. I have so much to look forward to in my future. Why would I want to spend years with my new husband sick with comorbidies and constant increases in weight? 

So, all of this self-degradation leads me here. I was afraid to return to my blog because I was ashamed, but two very good friends (and you know who you are) convinced me to return because my story isn't as uncommon as I thought. Maybe I can still help people, and I owe many of you a very large apology.

First, I apologize for disappointing you. I shouldn't have stopped blogging because of my 

shame at failing once again.

Second, I apologize for all of those people who are part of the bariatric or weight loss community. I used to believe weight loss surgery was the "easy way out," which is pure ignorance of a subject I knew little about at the time, and I hope you welcome me into your community because I am having weight loss surgery today.

For those of you surprised at my choice, I surprised myself too when I decided to do this eight months ago.  That's right. It took EIGHT months to get here. I did not tell a whole lot of people, but I'm certainly not hiding it either. And it sure as hell wasn't easy. 

Last, I apologize if I hurt anyone by not saying anything. I needed to do this for me, and I have the support of my family. It helped me get where I needed to be mentally and physically for the surgery and recovery. I hope you understand that.

As for the future of this blog, that's up to you. Do you want to read about all this stuff...AGAIN??? 

I do enjoy blogging because it clears my head. I like going back and reading what kind of head space I was in at a moment in time. So, I'll keep up the weekly posts. Maybe I can help one or two of you make a decision. I had a few people help me make mine, and I appreciated their help and wisdom. I want to pay it forward if I can.

I've been morbidly obese my entire life. I've never known what a "thin" day felt like. One day, I hope I will. In future posts, I'll give details on what happened over the last eight months. It was quite a journey.