Monday, December 22, 2014

Confessions of a Sugarholic

Gosh, I’m dying.  Do I have the shakes? What’s wrong with me?  What do I do?  I swear I have the shakes. Do I turn left or right?  Left or right?  If I turn left, I know what will happen.  If I turn right, I’ll just go home.  Well, if I go today, I won’t go next week I swear.  This will be the last time.  So, I turn my car left instead of going home.
Next week….
Gosh, I’m dying.  Do I have the shakes? What’s wrong with me?  What do I do?  I swear I have the shakes Do I turn left or right?  Left or right?  If I turn left, I know what will happen.  I should just go home.  But, if I do go today, I won’t go next week I swear.  This will be the last time.  So, I turn my car left instead of going home.
And the next week…. And so on.
This is the conversation I’ve been having with myself every time I leave work.  Sometimes I have this conversation on Tuesday.  Sometimes Wednesday.  But it still happens.  Every single week for so long I can’t even remember when I started it.
Sounds like a conversation someone has who is an addict.  And, yes, I happen to be one.  And this addiction is just as powerful, just as inhibiting and deadly as narcotics or alcohol.  For me, my addiction is sugar, and being a diabetic it’s deadly. I can lose my sight, my limbs, my kidneys and my life.  Over sugar.  This is my confession.
It’s been three years since I started blogging my weight loss.  I’ve done some amazing things. I’ve been rewarded and cheered.  I’ve also been disappointed, angry, and full of self-loathing.  I’ve conquered some challenges and gave up on others. I wanted to be at 160 pounds by January 2015, and I got somewhat close in 2013. I got to 210 pounds.  Now, I’m at 294.
What the hell did I do?  Where did I go wrong?  I’m shaking as I write this because I’m so full of emotion. I’m angry.  I’m so disgusted.  How could I let this happen? I promised myself never again, and yet here I am.  Again.  Yes, I know I’m not back at square one, but as far as I’m concerned, I’m pretty damn close.
I feel that I was arrogant.  Maybe it was too easy.  It should have been harder, shouldn’t it?  I mean I lost so much so fast.  I was strutting my stuff, right?  I was.   When I think back to where I made my mistake, it was after my marathon in 2013.  My goal was to finish, and I did.  After that, I was so tired of tracking and weighing my food that I stopped.  I told myself it would take a small break and after I got back from vacation, I’d start up again.  And I never did.
So, here I am at the end of 2014. 80 pounds heavier and 1,000 pounds of regret.  So, in order for me get myself back, I must confess.  
  • Every week for over the last 6-8 months or so, I’ve stopped at candy stores that sell Jelly Bellies by the pound.
  • I buy two pounds of Jelly Bellies…
  • …And proceed to eat them within 24 – 48 hours.  All of them.
  • I’ve spent $400 over 25 trips from 1/1/2014 to today… and that’s only counting those where I used my debit card and didn’t pay cash.  I actually went into my bank statements to find out.  
And what have I to show for it….
80 pounds of sickness.  Back pain.  Numbness in my legs.  Lethargy.  Laziness.  
I feel like I’m going to vomit. 
This is what I’ve been up to in secret, and I know it’s not that much of a secret. If you are close to me, you can see I’m not the same.  I know I’m not the same.  You don’t have to tell me.  I’ve been eating heavily on other things, too, like Hot Tamales when I can’t get my main crush.  It’s cheaper and makes me feel just as good – which is a lie.  It really makes me feel just as bad because it’s sweet when I taste it but bitter after I swallow because I know what I’m doing, yet I can’t seem to stop myself.
So now what?  What do I do? Here are my steps.
  1. Accountability.  I confessed. I can’t it hide anymore.  You all know what I’ve been up to.  I have no one to blame but myself.  I’m sick of it. I don’t want to do this anymore.  It’s exhausting.
  2. Honesty.  Why did I do this?  I am surrounded by people who love and support me.  I’m not lonely anymore. I’m not stressed.  I think it stems from deep rooted feelings inadequate for so long.  I was teased as a child because of my weight along with other things.  It stayed with me for quite a while.  That’s my own hang-up, and I will work on that.  I have the tools and support.
  3. Routine. Routine. Routine.  I was my most successful when I planned what I was going to eat and when.  I will get back to that.  I will track my food. I will track my activity. I will plan accordingly.  When my routine deviates, have a back-up plan.
  4. Know my triggers.  I’m my most vulnerable right when it’s time to leave for work so make sure I know how to overcome them and GO HOME.  Have my evening snack ready to go.  
  5. Use my support system.  That’s when all of you come in.   Hold my feet to the fire.   Kick my ass if you need to.
I feel that this is going to be much more challenging then when I started back in 2012.  Good news is that I feel I’m much more knowledgeable about myself and what I need to do to be successful.  I just want to be healthy. I want to be strong.  I want to make healthy choices.  I also know I can’t escape what I am, who I am, but I can be positive and remain positive.  
Hello.  My name is YahMoorah, and I’m a sugarholic.  It’s been seven days since my last binge.  I've tracked my food every day, exercised five days and drank enough water to make my bladder explode.  Although some of you may feel that craving sugar isn't a real sickness, read up on some interesting articles about how sugar affects brain activity. You may be surprised.  I've experienced shakes and nausea, but I made it through.  I'm taking it one day at a time by keeping busy and blogging.  Yes, I'm back. New blog title.  Different direction.  Until next week my friends.  Thank you for reading.